flow

It’s a very serious thing, this beast inside of me. She groans and gurgles, yearns furiously to be set free. How I have caged her at all is a mystery to me. I suppose, suppression is the order of the day. A way to get by, a plaster we stick over things, shove down and out of the way. At night, the light burns through the curtains to illuminate her. She rages further. “Nobody understands you quite like me” she whispers. Progressing to a scream. When busy, she tugs impatiently at my sleeve. “Spend time with me!” An endless tug of war between us, what I feel I am & what she wants me to be. If I let my guard down, she runs around wildly. She knows what I like. Envelopes me in pleasure. Teasing something out of me. By bit. Time to follow her down the rabbit hole…once I submit to her; flee, can I find my way back? Make myself a life, while balancing the needs of us both? Once I take the time to listen, instead of trying to block her out, we grow closer. Full of longing. She cries for a deeper, weighted touch. A lighter, gentler caress. For space to discover things uncovered. I think of Mary Oliver’s ‘Wild Geese’ - “Tell me about despair, yours, and I’ll tell you mine.” And I replace despair with desire. Almost interchangeable. What burns inside of you, that you feel is just out of reach - incompatible with your life? Describe it to me. Tell me your deepest dreams. Let vulnerability reign. Can we let them converse, speak their unique language of pain? I think they’d have a lot to learn from each other. She tells me stories about myself that can’t be true. But who am I to say so? She is me and I am her, no? This is the key: to unlock something more. Something I shy away from, too terrified to prise open the door. What if I embraced her, fully? Hard to imagine. Yet she’s no stranger. Question after question. Why can’t I put my trust in her, let her lead me to what’s right. We’re unbreakably tied and yet at odds. Everything I am and nothing I feel I can be. She casts a potent, darker shade over me, than I feel I can bear to hold. Dense. Yet, somehow she pulls me close. An embrace unlike any other I’ve known. So tempting it is to sit with you and let it all fall away, safe while the world unfolds.